Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
