I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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