Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
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