dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
