Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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