It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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