No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Randomize
