Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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