Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
