you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Randomize
