The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Randomize
