How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
