Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Text me some of your sweat
Randomize
