And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
