My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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