The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
A+ Viking dick
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
