3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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