Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
