I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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