Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
