I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
