You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
