I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
