R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Randomize
