turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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