we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
my liver is dry heaving
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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