Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
