My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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