In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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