so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
