i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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