He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Couch. On fire.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize