I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
