She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
