We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
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