I looked at my own cervix.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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