I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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