It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
