Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Randomize
