if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
high people should be assigned attendants
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
Randomize
