Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
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