My boss' voice literally gives me gas
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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