Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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