My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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