I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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