bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
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I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
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