Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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