Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
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It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
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My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
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