My hand turned me down
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
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We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
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It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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