you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
