for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
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