I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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