when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Blood and glitter go together right?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
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