i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize