apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
