Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
