Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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