Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
