If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
